Who is my neighbor? 3 am lessons

it didn’t take long for me to realize this morning phone call wasn’t the usual good morning routine. The threads for a good story were spinning and were about to weave into a glorious, recognizable pattern.

“May I take a moment to express my frustration?” she asked.

Of course. This is a Safety Zone.

“I’m angry with a black Dodge”.

Interesting. Frustration at an inanimate object that is not owned by anyone I know. Go on.

“It was 3:00 am…”

Ah yes. The time when no one should be awake. It sets the stage for heightened senses, shorter fuses, and benign noises suddenly becoming harbingers of doom.

“We were both sound asleep when I suddenly hear a loud honking. I was disoriented, so I thought it was from the inside of the gate and someone was just honking for someone to get into the car.”

Sunday night at 3:00am…What could be more natural?

“The honking went on for 15 minutes. 15 MINUTES!” Finally John got up, took a picture so we could identify the car, and was about to go down when another car came behind it and LET HIM IN!”


“My first thought once I realized what was happening was ‘What if Kaitlin were here? He would be waking her up, her kids up…’ and then I realized that my neighbor does actually have a two year old and a newborn! I finally got to sleep, but needless to say my dreams were crazy after that. Seriously, welcome to Austin.”

My sister is an educated, daring, bold, and spectacular person. However, she has alerted me to a flaw in the education process of Life 101.

The fact that this guy honked for 15 minutes without a confrontation is ridiculous. By then you should have called the police and your security officer for domestic disturbance. The fact that someone let this guy in when he is obviously NOT supposed to be there and is probably irrational or impaired is a MAJOR problem.

Furthermore, she asked a hypothetical question. It must be answered- it MUST!

What would have happened if I had been awakened at 3:00 am?

Picture it.

A black Nissan in need of washing threatens the gates– a potential Trojan Horse about to erupt with an assault to the sleep we hold dear.  Abattle cry of “Beep!” that sounds like a cazoo shatters the night. Oh, it’s on.

One by one the residents open their doors, stumbling out in slight stupors. From the semblance of safety the car provides First-Class-Boob realizes that people are descending from the balconies, all staring at him.

The state of delusion and panic increases as his stare locks with bloodshot glares. They are angry. Confused. Irrational. Slightly hungry for a sandwich or those Chuy’s leftovers…

A man wearing only boxers and boots emerges. Then a woman in sponge rollers. A miserable woman with bronchitis. A grown man in footie pajamas. Perhaps a mother holding a screaming baby over a soaked shoulder bores a hole into him as the baby’s shriek pierces the night.

This breaks the silence. Each person begins to speak…in movie quotes. A silver-haired gentleman growls, “Boy, you’re in a heap of trouble.” The boot wearer goes back into the door yelling, “Too close for missiles. I’m switching to guns.” The chef about to have final exams sneared,” “A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

The exhausted mother wails, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore !” Soon the voices blur together in glorious confusion that all things sound like in a 3:00am adrenaline rush:

“I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.”  “You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?” “Why don’t you come up sometime and see me?”  “What we have here is a failure to communicate.”  The Cajun yells, “STELLA!” while the comedian inquires, “Who’s on first?”

angry cowboy


psycho scream

Suddenly another vehicle pulls up behind the black Dodge and presses the key code and yells, “I have nowhere else to go!”. The gate swings open, leaving only yards between the recently awakened and Captain Inconsiderate.

Now the Mannerless Wonder is realizing an escape isn’t possible. A mob is upon him. Just as he expects them to start attacking the car…


They assemble into greatness.


It’s all very thrilling.


It all ends with Mr. Rude-pants jerking awake over a steering wheel at sunrise,  allowing him time to ponder his dream and then go forth as a productive and more considerate citizen.

Then everyone can do the same after a long, uninterrupted night of sleep.

Yes, that’s how it would go if someone honked for 15 minutes, awakening me from sleep in the dead of night.


If they aren’t as scared of you as you are of them, you’re doing it wrong.

May you sleep well, Dear Ones.


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